Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes

   what is up with these sweatpants and UGGS, totally NOT sexy

   When a woman is upset she only uses one word answers.

   My lack of understanding does not compensate for your intelligence. Wait, what?

   I wonder how many bongs I can collect before my mother figures out they're not vases?

   It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

   Just once I'd like to attend a formal state function and hear the butler at the top of the stairs announce Lady and Sir Mixalot.

   i can not take away your storms of life but I can help you dance through the puddles!!!

   Sometimes being a good friend just means being a good listener...

   Lets Just call MacGyver out of retirement to fix the BP oil leak and call it a day!

   So stick that in your juice box & suck it!!

   I don't know if I'm liking this "new facebook" but I guess that's what we all said when we left myspace. It's weird how FB keeps changing stuff and it eventually becomes 'normal'. Still no dislike button though.

   What I miss most about having kids in diapers is that there was always a constant supply of diaper rash cream for the mornings after I ate Mexican food.

   If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

   Getting really sick of making my own sandwiches

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters ~I.. H*A*T*E..M*O*N*D*A*Y*S.. and the numbers ~ 24/7 ~

   Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great... I know this is too much for you, so here is a shortcut - Just think about me.

   I got sent home for inappropriate attire. Lady Gaga wore the SAME thing at the VMAs! Some people know nothing about fashion.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate that I will be able to retire and live comfortably in about 180 years.

   The lawyer for Brett Favre should use this defense regarding the pics "He was making a pass at his wife and another woman intercepted it"