Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already

   Here's a story,of a LOVELY lady
 who was bringing up three very LOVELY girls
all of them had hair of gold, like their mother.
the youngest one in curls. RIP CAROL BRADY

   Just for fun I am going to order a Santa Sleigh on Amazon on Christmas Eve and have it delivered by their drone.

   I think I'll build me a snowman and dress him up as a security guard, leave him out front to guard that snow bank.

   Yup.... No matter how old you are .... an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube will always become a Star Wars light saber.

   I gave Santa Chocolate Laxative chip cookies...

   One of my biggest fears is I'll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays

   Ladies, I'm renting myself out tonight, who needs a New Years Eve Date. . .

   Once you go black, that frost bitten toe's gotta come off

   So she married one of the seven dwarfs But divorced him shortly after when she realised he wasn't actually happy.

   Life is give and take; I give and you take, probably.

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel is in therapy for PTSD.

   Any amount of toilet paper is a butt-load of toilet paper.

   I now identify as someone who is disappointed in everyone. I don't care about your bathrooms, I am just gonna pee where I want.

   That awkward moment when you see a commercial for "Designated Survivor" and wished it was reality.

   Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid was your question!

   Never owned a single pair of shoes in my life. I just keep renting them from the bowling alley.

   When I was young I kept asking myself what I wanted to be when I grew up. Now I know the answer: I want to be young.

   heading down to Fraggle Rock.....

   When your a standup comedian your not going to make everyone laugh. When your up there on stage half the audience should be laughing, and half the audience should be horrified.