Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never hint to a printer that you’re in a rush, they can smell fear.

   Do you think that sand is called sand because it’s between the sea and the land?

   We're much safer from the climate because we're richer: Climate expert

   I can’t work today, there’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation. Boss: You can’t skip work just because the sun is out.

   Pretty sure we’re at that point in the game where everyone just rolls the dice in quiet disgust while waiting to be completely wiped out.

   I just want someone to laugh at my jokes the way that Kamala laughs at questions she can’t answer.

   Sometimes I think I’m too picky, then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.

   I’ve spent more time in Facebook Jail than they gave Smollett.

   If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my 20's

   Movie Theater: No outside food or drinks. Me: Burger King Whopper and fries jammed in my coat pocket.

   Busch beer came out with a bone broth beer for dogs. I’m in!

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip Cookies are the reason I have trust issues.

   More accurate names for what’s being called “fact” check. Semantics check, agenda check, narrative check.

   Elon Musk didn’t buy a social media platform, he bought a crime scene and all the evidence.

   A licking machine built a Purdue University takes on average 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Random Mom: Where does one buy said machine? Asking for a friend.

   Being yelled at by a self-checkout machine is so humiliating. Everyone can hear you getting lectured by a little robot.

   Han Solo: Han open carries, hates trade regulations, tax fees and Imperial overreach. Be like Han.

   Biden aides find second batch of classified documents at new location, my goodness.

   Need some advice? Go read a book, read several, it’s free. You’re welcome.

   As a child seeing a scary movie and being afraid of the dark. As an adult seeing my electric bill and being afraid of the light.