Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Beer, because no good story ever started with a salad .

←Rate | 02-02-2017 17:24 Comments (0)

Just found out that my girlfriend is really BAD at cooking .... She just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

←Rate | 02-08-2017 10:25 Comments (0)

“Robots are taking all the good jobs,” I mutter as the Amazon drone delivering my Robocop 3 DVD crashes into my house and bursts into flame

←Rate | 02-15-2017 05:29 Comments (0)

In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law

←Rate | 02-18-2017 22:28 by Snotty Comments (0)

Long story short, those aren't my pantaloons.

←Rate | 02-19-2017 03:11 Comments (0)

Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.

←Rate | 03-11-2017 16:04 by Mick Comments (0)

Ivm not leaving a will.. My final act will be leaving one more thing my family can fight about.

←Rate | 03-17-2017 01:55 by ZINC Comments (0)

If you were considering jogging, remember you can also NOT consider jogging. No one is keeping track. Live dangerous. Stay in one place.

←Rate | 03-19-2017 08:44 Comments (0)

You don't really wash your hands, they actually wash each other while you are there standing

←Rate | 11-15-2018 12:57 Comments (0)

spending Thanksgiving day with your obnoxious relatives something to be thankful for?

←Rate | 11-15-2018 20:23 by Ha.ha Comments (0)

A train station is where trains stop. A bus station is where buses stop. At my desk at work I have a work station.

←Rate | 11-20-2018 21:23 Comments (0)

There are four stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You are Santa Claus 4) You look like Santa Claus

←Rate | 12-07-2018 15:37 by KG Comments (0)

If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.

←Rate | 01-04-2019 13:59 by Bob Comments (0)

"Alexa, Get me a divorce."

←Rate | 01-09-2019 22:50 Comments (0)

Tough Monday today so I consulted my spirit guide. He led me right to the Vodka. Total Mind Reader!!!

←Rate | 02-11-2019 23:43 by Keith Comments (0)

Ladies; If he doesn't want to watch you masturbate he's not that into you....or girls

←Rate | 02-20-2019 12:50 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)

Never laugh at your wife's choices. You're one of them.

←Rate | 02-20-2019 23:06 by Joker Comments (0)

Okay buddy if you want to sit behind me and honk your horn for waving someone ahead of me at four-way stop sign then I think I'll do the polite thing and wave the next five cars on while I update my current status.

←Rate | 02-26-2019 11:30 by Moon Comments (0)

Finally got around to filling out my bracket yesterday and guess what? perfect bracket so far

←Rate | 04-01-2019 08:26 by Smeebert Comments (0)

Sometimes I think I'm an intelligent person and other times I want to get married.

←Rate | 04-01-2019 12:14 Comments (0)