Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim is now offering nukes to the NFL. I said this would get out of hand but no one listened.

   I told a girl in the grocery store that she drew her eyebrows on way to high. She just stood there with a surprised look on her face.

   When life gives you scurvy, you’re going to wish you kept those lemons.

   I just microwaved a Hot Pocket all the way through on the 1st try,,, So I'm basically a chef at Applebee's now if anyone needs anything.

   Why did they call themselves The Breakfast Club? They only ate lunch together.

   It's about time men started winning Woman of the Year awards. This inequality has gone on long enough.

   Who needs television when there is so much drama election on Facebook.

   I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.

   I would eat more tofu if it was an animal.

   My morning pooh would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of on my way to work

   If Batman and Catwoman had a baby, would it be Batcat, or Manwoman?

   For all you #single people: Time to start thawing the #Thanksgiving hot dogs

   It's officially the holiday season, bah hum bug. . .

   How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.

   Years ago, some heckler at a gig I wasm yelled, "Hey, man. If I slept with your wife while you were out at a gig and she got pregnant, would that make us related?" I go, "I don't know, but it'd sure make us even!"

   When I'm waiting for the bus I hat it when someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" ...... Hey dummy .... If the bus came, would I still be standing here???

   Lately I've been walking into rooms clapping my hands like Donald Trump for no reason.......

   Sad start to this week as we lost Grandpa. Luckily, we found him this morning!

   ETC.....End of Thinking Capacity.

   I seem pretty put together for a grown man who imagines he's traveling through a wormhole each time he pulls a turtleneck over his head.