Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's sad when I'm too lazy to wash my car. That means I'm too lazy to play on my phone while my car sits on a conveyor belt.

   Do most people on Twitter use their real pictures?!?! Heck, I'm watching a cabbage argue about atheism with a cat.

   Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone

   Things I do for klondike bars: 1) Buy them 2) Steal them 3) You

   Rule number one for our new Ice Maker: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   How To Tell If Your Kid Is Doing Drugs: 1. Are your drugs missing?!?!

   You're only as stupid as the idiot you're arguing with....

   It's not you, it's you not having air conditioning.....

   The homeless shelter is a great place to meet people with a degree in "Street Smart".

   Either guys really do get a period once a month or they are making commercials way more heart wrenching. Why are my thighs so fat?

   Don't Tell The Kids #3: But the dog isn't currently living on a farm.

   Cut the crap, everybody knows you got your fedora at Target.

   Hell won't take me because I stopped paying my membership dues in 1998.

   They need to bring back beatings in schools because I know a few people who need to go back and learn a lesson the hard way.

   Just saw a dolphin that had a tattoo of a white girl on its rear fin.

   No offense but I wanna set you on fire.

   If you write a bunch of tweets about the farmers market from your couch on Sunday morning you can trick people into thinking you do stuff.

   Don't cry because it's over. Smile because you didn't catch herpes.

   Sorry I took 2 Benadryl and drank a wine cooler and got kicked out of Chuck E. Cheese during your kid's birthday party.

   If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.