Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Evidently Cheering and doing play by play while my wife is wrapping presents wasn't the help she was looking for.

   OK... I think it's time for 2016 to die before any more good people do....

   I was going to leave my body to science but science is already contesting the will and I'm not even dead yet. FML.

   I just called BS but it went straight to voicemail.

   would it be OK to repeal and replace my EX ??

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y

   Fyre Festival Attendee: "I'll have a cheese sandwich." Fyre Festival Host: "Here you go, that'll be $1200.00." FF Attendee: "Hey, still cheaper than a sandwich at the airport."

   Without a shadow of a doubt, if my boss and I were "FB friends", I would've been fired over 5 times through the years...and forced to submit to at least 2 mental health evals...

   My wife gets the last word in any argument. Anything I said after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   X and Jayden K. Smith are now friends.

   Everybody make sure to remind your ex's that there is a solar eclipse today and you strongly encourage to look at it .

   ..School has started. I got my life back. What evey mother is thinking.

   Most wives don't mind if their husband bring some work home to do. But my sister does, her husband is a mortician.

   Hmmm, everyone sharing memories like we all wanna slice.....

   Salad? You mean crunchy sadness?

   I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

   Ok, I've never thought much of Hugh Hefner, but you have to appreciate the irony. The creator of Playboy expires on a Wednesday-Hump Day.

   Me and Hugh Hefner had a lot in common................we both owned more than one bathrobe.

   Allow me to demonstrate how I feel. *throws agitated cat in your face*

   My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I'm dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.