Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?

   Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.

   Hit the hay. Kick some corn. Slap a tomato. Establish dominance. You own this whole farm now.

   True story: I met an Asian baby named Gary this morning, if any of you needed a pick-me-up.

   Instead of voter fraud, why don't they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

   This appears to be the year of the upset!

   How much of your pants are you allowed to fold up before you're mistaken for a fisherman?

   The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological ..... One is Psycho and the other is Logical!

   Black Friday used to only be Robinson Crusoe's pal!

   All I'm saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

   .... Darn .... Trying to watch the News Channels to find out which ones are the official purveyors of Government Sanctioned News and which ones are the official Government Sanctioned Fake News stations. I'm so confused. Please help out ...Anybody Know?

   People need to understand the difference between want & need. Like I want to have hot body but I need chicken nuggets.

   Last month Ferrari introduced a new super sports car with a price tag of $2.2 million. They already sold out all 200 that were available. Darn! I shouldn't have taken so long trying to decide what color I wanted.

   I wonder how Spys know when they're out of Invisible Ink?

   I hate when people say that ... "life is short" ..... . What the heck??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! ..... What can you do that's longer?

   That moment when my wife snooping around on my phone and accidently FB live recorded herself. when confronted she still claims it wasnt her... priceless

   it's the time of year agian to get a lot of fruit cakes...now I cant wait for them to leave & go back to their own homes

   If you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll say no & tell you to find another way to finance your kitchen remodel.

   R.I.P. Jason Seaver

   SCORE!!! .... I just bought my wife a 20 pound bag of Diamonds for Christmas......well they're diamonds in the rough....Well ... maybe EARLY stage diamonds...... but with enough time and pressure......they will be diamonds......Thanks Kingsford !