Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty apathetic, so I'm getting a tattoo that says "Shrug Life"

   I have a real life autocorrect, my wife. :-)

   Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.

   We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.

   Neighbors state that old McDonald "had" a farm and the last time anyone saw him he was screaming vowels into the air. Back to you, Jen.

   National meatball day. A day in the honor of David Dennison

   pi day & hump day....it must be "Jason Biggs day"

   A confessional booth is a glory hole for secrets.

   I just downloaded the McDonald's app to my phone because I can't stand waiting for my food for 2 whole minutes

   every girl like to be swept of her feet,.... its when you put her in the trunk that she freaks out.

   I often wonder what tomatoes🍅 did to make the other fruits 🍇🍐🍊🍌to disown them and force them to live as vegetables🤔

   Pizza grease is my essential oil.

   I'm okay with knowing that no one thinks I am as funny as I know I am.

   I panicked when they asked me to come up with a cool and sexy stripper name. So if you head over to the strip club, ask for Deborah.

   Wednesday is the new Monday and Thursday is the new Hump Day.

   Fun fact: the tiny island of Tonga is one of the very first areas in the world to celebrate the New Year.

   My New Years resolution, to screw them before they screw me.

   I like to plan ahead so I bought the Hubby his Valentine's Day candy early and hiding it. In other words, I just bought me some candy.

   I ended things because of how bad she was in bed, the sex was great but her napping skills were terrible.

   Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.