Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mind of a 21 year old man, body of a 45 year old lesbian...

   I'd give my wife my coat if she's cold but I'll take it back if I become cold and maybe she'll be prepared next time we go out.

   ’m not an alcoholic. I’m soberphobic.

   Fourth of July coming up in a few weeks. The big concern is illegal fireworks. But enough about North Korea.

   Let me see if I understand soccer. A yellow card is a warning, a red card means you have to leave the game, and a green card means you can move to the United States.

   Fact: Kids learn so much in school they need the summer to have it all sink in so they don't forget any of it.

   I wanna complain but I want it to sound hilarious

   She was just a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still

   Cop: Are you drunk? Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this? *stands on one foot* Cop: ok first of all, ow

   Hear me out.. A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

   A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

   1987 was a great year for the payphone.

   My wife gained so much for Thanksgiving she left the house this morning in high heels to get coffee and came home with flip-flops

   Rain rain go away so I don't end up staring at Facebook all day.

   I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

   I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife's cosmetics to get me in trouble.

   If youre going to give your kid a name like hes an 80s action hero, then make sure he goes outside every once and a while. Cause "Maverick" looks like the only exercise he gets it walking to the fridge and back to the Playstation.

   [dinner date] Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird. Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

   Selling scotch during a prohibition is whiskey business.

   Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there Really hoping this is Halloween related