Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not the heat. It's the humidity......and the morons.

   It's OK Adobe Flash, I'm always outdated too.

   Truly having the 'heart of a child' will lead you to a toothless life of homelessness.

   You enter through the gates of hell, and it’s just Steven Seagal standing there asking you which one of his movies you want to watch first.

   DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

   Just accidentally kicked myself in the balls trying to get comfortable on the couch in case you're looking for a life coach.

   My supervillain origin story is just someone knocking over my plate of super nachos.

   Drove past a rehab center this morning. I couldn't stop laughing at the sign out front: "Stay Off the Grass".

   Immediately recognized a porn star wearing a hat and no makeup at the gym today for anyone wondering if I've had sex this year.

   Message to Veterinarians: If people are stealing prescription meds from their pets, maybe you should stop prescribing Oxycontin to goldfish.

   Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.

   Just turned in an assignment on hookers and blow. This organized crime class is the best.

   If I say "1-2-3-and to the 4" and you don't respond "Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at tha door"....I guess we never really knew each other.

   The Love Boat was my favorite 80's TV show about senior citizens infecting each other with STD's on the open seas.

   If you think the electoral college is the university where the election graduated from, you probably shouldn't vote.

   So North Korea only has 28 websites. Well we just have Facebook. Wait you mean there are more?

   A friend took Ambien to help her sleep. She had the side effect of doing things without realizing it. She ate an entire blueberry pie and didn't know it. Now I don't know about you, but if I eat an entire blueberry pie, I wanna know it.

   One time I used essential oils and after 7-10 days my cold was gone, it was incredible.

   Thousands of Clown sightings all across the Nation, The candidates running for President. Yes, this is clearly and definitely ... The Year of the Clown.

   Ariana Grande's body is 60 percent water and 40 percent ponytail.