Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People act like they've never seen winter before. It happens every f'n year, ya know?

   I feel a disturbance in the Force. RIP Carrie Fisher.

   Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

   I feel an originality rush coming on. Think I'll make a dog face on Snapchat.

   The Real valentine Holiday is 15Feb...when chocolate is 70% off!

   Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.

   Alcohol is like a push up bra for your personality...

   Dont blame me for you crazy issues! If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.

   Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.

   I think I may have a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O'Furniture

   If there is a watermelon why isn't there an earthmelon and firemelon and airmelon? You know…the elemelons

   Bruce Springstein @ $500 a ticket says "Americas already great"

   Life has to be about more than just solving problems

   My wife is losing it, she told me she was seeing someone behind my back. But when I turn around there wasn't anyone there.

   It's been 10 years since I was in school. But every day the school bully still takes my lunch money........ He works at Mc. Donalds.

   How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend....... Meet Patty.

   Face off was probably the worst movie we watched as kids. Imagine believing Nicolas Cage’s wrist size face could fit on John Travolta’s massive head.

   The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!

   I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.