Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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You are Dust, and unto Dust you shall return. That's why I don't dust my furniture. It might be someone I know. 
The police want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember sending them my resume.
Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial Day weekend everyone!!
When I woke up this morning my wife said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer's Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
people talk about working on their "summer body" but I've been working on my winter body for years
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.
You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.
Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress
Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.
From Jabba's point of view, Star Wars is about a guy who owed him a lot of money, but instead of paying he brought in a gang to murder him
I'm drinking a Diet Coke because I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts for breakfast. I'm hoping this will neutralize it.
The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it.
BEEP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.
3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.
My wife was going wild in the sack last night. I eventually had to get up and let her out of it. 