Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because you have a beard doesn’t mean you’re a man, vaginas can grow hair too.

   Male bees die right after mating. So, their whole life is… Honey, Nut, Cheerio.

   Your very existence goes against our community standards. ~ Zuck

   As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.

   If dogs ever take over the world and they chose a king, I hope they don't just go by size; because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

   The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

   There is sex without love, and there is love without sex. Then there is you, without both.

   “All girls are the same.” Yeah, none of them want you.

   Gun owners: when they hear someone breaking in at 2:00am.

   If they say it’s impossible, it’s impossible for them, not for you.

   My dad fully dressed all day. My dad when one of my friends come over ~ (in his underwear)

   If I ever go missing and someone puts my real weight on the poster, I’m not coming back.

   “I believe everything they say.” They’ve been wrong about literally everything so far. “I still believe everything they say.”

   Mike Hunt is hairy

   There is no plan to eliminate student debt. There is a plan to transfer that debt to those that don’t owe it.

   They had a distribution plan for crack pipes, but not for baby formula.

   It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one's acts. Mahatma Gandhi

   Listening to your friend talk about how she’s working it out with her boyfriend after you already blocked him, keyed his car and took his cat to the pound.

   When you give tourists wrong directions as a prank and then see them a week later on television gone missing.

   The guy ahead of me bought 20 dollars worth on pump 3. Where was he going, to pump 4?