Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   Whistleblower comes forward with claims that strangers drag him from place to place, make him sign papers, read words on monitors and he hardly gets any ice cream.

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.