Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but they still get in.

   T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt. It's because of the small arms.

   Raising a teenager is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses at you whenever you try to be nice to it.

   I’m putting a snowblower in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says, “what the heck is that?” And that, is where I’ll live.

   If one person is tailgating you, they are the problem. If everyone is tailgating you, you are the problem.

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   To the people who react to my posts daily, may your life be full of puppy kisses and kitten snuggles.

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   Your handwriting is just your hand’s accent.

   I dropped my phone in a McDonalds sprite and that mf started charging.

   Have you ever rubbed your eyes so hard that you enter in, to some other dimension of swirls and patterns?

   Me: trying to be polite. Mmm… this tastes like something I only want to eat once.

   Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”

   An idea: “Broke Back Mountain 2” all female cast. This would smash all box office records.

   People who get offended when I breastfeed in public need to calm down. What I’m doing is natural and it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   The happiest person in the world is probably not on social media.

   The two e’s in bee might actually be silent.

   An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

   If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to laugh about when you’re old.