Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Started investing in stocks: Chicken, Beef, Vegetable… One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   At the store: “OMG haven’t seen you in forever! Let’s stand in everyone’s way!”

   Sharks can outswim you, but you can outrun sharks. So, it all comes down to who’s the fastest cyclist.

   That mini heart attack when you can’t find spaghetti in your pocket.

   Hangry ~ A state of anger caused by lack of food.

   It’s ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall. When it rang, I’d pick it up not knowing who was calling. Amazing I’m still alive.

   Trojan is a terrible name for condoms. They’re basically named after something that penetrated the stronghold, then broke open and thousands of little guys poured out and messed up everyone’s day.

   Was told that I am the cheapest man in the world, well I'm not buying it

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   Just bought a tv stand and now I’m being targeted with tv stand ads. I only need one tv stand, I’m not a tv stand hoarder.

   Well, well, well… if it isn’t all my “we’ll deal with it in January” chickens come home to roost.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   Why are deliveries on a ship called cargo, but in a car, it’s called a shipment?

   When your friend is getting beat up by banditos, but you remember his welcome refugees post.

   Anyone: “You’re so interesting to talk to! Our personalities fit so well together!” Me: Thanks, I made this one especially for you.

   I would rather someone steal my identity than remember another password.

   Dog 1 to dog 2: “Once in a while, pretend like you hear something they don’t…. it drives them crazy!”

   T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.