Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it, stick a needle in everyone or my body my choice? Pick one.

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   Trying to figure out how I spent 15k on chicken nuggets this year.

   Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

   Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   When you try to swallow a pill, but it doesn’t go down and now it’s dissolving in your mouth.

   Guy 1: How do you like my secret fishing spot? Guy 2: It’s really cool, not even the fish know about it.

   “We need to change Washington DC from the inside.” Me: I say we blast off and nuke the entire site from orbit.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   If you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’s going to wear for the next five years.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   Rachel has 16 chocolate bars. Tracy takes 4 from her and asks for the remaining quarter. What would she end up with? Me: A sucker-punch in the breadbox.

   I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏

   Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.

   There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉

   Wife: Why is your back all scratched up? (flashback to me chasing a racoon after she told me to leave it alone) Me: I’m having an affair.

   You technically have 2 minutes to live, but every time you breathe it restarts the timer.

   A burglar broke into my home last night. I put the red dot on his chest and the cat did the rest.