Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.

   I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

   We all have a machine in our house that sets itself on fire when it gets cold and we're all ok with that!

   Whenever I'm driving, and someone lets me go in front of them, I always feel the need to go as fast as possible, so they don't regret their decision. I won't let you down, Mr. Mercedes Man, I won't let you down.

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent and well-behaved that they only look at the 10% that is covered.

   Things were much better on the tweeting Trump Train than they are on the sinking Biden Boat.

   Raise your hand if you would add your boss as a Facebook friend. Now with the other hand slap yourself in the face.

   Quentinen and Tarantined by Writtin Directino

   Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.

   Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?

   I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys always get to play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium afterwords?

   My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...

   Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock...

   I love the taste of water, especially frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka.

   Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

   I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...

   I wonder if this guy in line in front of me would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

   Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better

   We live in a generation of weak people. Everything has to be watered down because it's offensive, including the truth.