Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.

   I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.

   My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king

   There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

   Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.

   i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything

   I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.

   Has decided to sell my nudes, $5 to get one, $25 to NOT get one.

   I should have been a geologist. Everyday, I manage to hit a new rock bottom.

   Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.

   Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.

   That time you used the flashlight on your phone to help look for your phone

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going !

   Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.

   Seen a midget carrying a plasma TV to his car and a yelled out, “Hey buddy! Need help carrying that TV?” He shouted, “It’s an iPAD A$$HOLE!”