Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do nudist clean their glasses?

   The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"

   Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.

   All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"

   Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.

   Why do famous people get things for free if they’re the ones that can afford it?

   Dancing in the 70's: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at

   If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.

   If you millenials want to know what it was like to talk on a payphone, just lick the handle of a grocery cart.

   does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?

   I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.

   STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.

   I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!

   If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

   "Nice mask' Me firting in 2020

   We were invited to a dry, vegan wedding. We declined. Then for $20, we sold the wedding invitation to a stand-up comedian who needed material.

   Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

   Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other. Me: I need an extension.

   Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.