Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: At the cookout, asking everyone how they like their burger, before making them all exactly the same.

   If some guy named “Corn Pop” was real, pretty sure he would have come forward by now.

   Tact ~ The ability to tell someone to go to hell and they look forward to it.

   Her: Say something hot. Him: Burn in hell.

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.

   When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.

   Brain: I can see you’re trying to sleep; can I offer a selection of your worst memories?

   There is nothing else to hope for, but for things to get better.

   When the cross-eyed mechanic says, “no worries sir, I did the alignment myself.”

   Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?

   Truth is like surgery; it hurts but it heals. A lie is like a painkiller; it gives instant relief but has terrible side effects.

   I need advice…. Never mind, I already did the stupid thing.

   It’s 4/19 - don’t forget to put milk and cookies out for Willie Nelson tonight.

   Planning an exotic vacation with $12.50 in the bank.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you’re actually a few million years late. The star is dead, just like your dreams.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.

   All of us: Ministry of “truth”, inflation, supreme court leak, border crisis, war. Mainstream Media: “Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard.”

   Then the son asked his dad, “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”

   Woman makes misconduct claim against Elon Musk, like clockwork.