Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages
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I say we legalize all drugs at the Olympics. Let's see how fast these MF's can run!
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The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.
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Pro Tip: If you wear a face mask your coworkers can't smell the alcohol on your breath.
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For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.
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I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.
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I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.
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The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.
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I swear we are fighting two pandemics Covid 19 and Stupidity.
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Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”
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Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.
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The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.
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I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.
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This is the longest something made in China has lasted.
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If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.
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If you drive by my house and see my kids picking weeds and crying, keep driving. They're on a field trip. #Quarantined
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Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.
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My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
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It's freezing outside. I hear by declare January Nipple Awareness Month.
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How long are we supposed to do this social distancing thing? My wife keeps trying to get back into the house.
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Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".
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