SEAN Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.
←Rate | 06-04-2019 09:27 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....
←Rate | 06-04-2019 09:25 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...
←Rate | 04-28-2019 00:43 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...
←Rate | 04-05-2018 18:18 by SEAN Comments (3)  

   messageicon had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..
←Rate | 02-07-2018 05:55 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend
←Rate | 01-20-2018 07:22 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..
←Rate | 10-03-2017 10:38 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...
←Rate | 10-03-2017 10:35 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
←Rate | 10-03-2017 10:27 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...
←Rate | 08-21-2017 19:18 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
←Rate | 08-19-2017 11:24 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....
←Rate | 07-10-2017 14:38 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey
←Rate | 04-13-2017 22:34 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬
←Rate | 04-04-2017 09:33 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..
←Rate | 04-03-2017 16:36 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."
←Rate | 03-02-2017 11:10 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....
←Rate | 02-13-2017 13:47 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......
←Rate | 02-10-2017 15:08 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
←Rate | 02-10-2017 15:08 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......
←Rate | 02-10-2017 13:41 by SEAN Comments (0)  


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