Funny Status Messages

   Damninos the favorite game in hell?

   Trump, the guy who spent eight years trying to delegitimize Obama's presidency with a birther lie, is upset that people are trying to delegitimize his presidency with the truth.

   I want a Home Alone movie where the Wet Bandits would slowly torture and murder Buzz. That tub of lard deserves it.

   Growing up, all I wanted was Girls Gone Wild. As an adult, I ended up with Bills Gone Wild

   My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????

   Don’t tell me I can do anything I set my mind to. You don’t know me.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.

   Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.

   In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.

   Scientists need to put cancer aside and find a cure for country music first.

   In the future Frosty the puddle, will take the place of Frosty the snowman,

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

   I left the FrisbeeIsm cult. They just used circular reasoning.

   I'll never understand those baby on board signs? Like thanks for letting me know as I was just about to purposely ram my car into yours for absolutely no apparent reason until I saw your sign!

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

   Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.

   Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!