Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Talking to some people is as frustrating as trying to eat applesauce with chopsticks.

   Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.

   Great job keeping crap out of my eye, eyelash that's currently in my eye.

   Some of your behaviour is completely embarrassing but highly entertaining. Carry on.

   If she farts in front of your parents repeatedly just for the reaction then she's a keeper.

   My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money.

   Give your tweets a CB radio feel by adding the word, over at the end. Over.

   I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.

   Have you ever loved someone so much that you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and have them also to yourself? Well, apparently that is called kidnapping.

   My mama told me I could become anything I wanted. So I became a problem.

   Bedtime Tip: Ring the doorbell on your way to bed at night...this will clear the dogs off your bed long enough for you to get in and get comfortable...

   Forgive and forget? What? Do I look like Jesus with Alzheimer's?

   I played baseball with a bunch of orphans yesterday. I won, because none of them knew where home was.

   My wife asked me for the Chapstick. I accidently handed her a Gluestick. Now she's not speaking to me.

   I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen. I can just feel it.

   There are two types of people in this world, those who finish a joke and those that

   When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry. Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

   When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

   Tom Brady has over 600 touchdown passes in his career. Which works out to 420, when you adjust for inflation.

   My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.... It's not the best medicine in the world, but hey they’re right up there.