Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there was no collusion, then there wouldn't be any obstruction of justice...

   Go Fund Me accounts are for kids with a life threatening illnesses, not adults who are too ignorant to plan for their future...

   I have an appointment tomorrow with a new proctologist. He's supposed to be a terrific doctor with a great butt-side manner.

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.

   My wife said if I don't get off this damn computer in 5 sec she is gonna smash my head on the keyboard lol I think she is just kidgidudckglblgtieeussyupjfufivi

   if you shave off your arm hair and it grows back to the exact same length, does that mean its twice as long as it was?

   After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.

   I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?

   The most expensive special election in Georgia history is over. The Republicans are laughing their Ossoff.

   Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?

   I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid. FML.

   I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.

   Ever pee in the middle of the night with seat cover down.. 1st for everything :' D

   if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep

   It's so hot outside that I almost called ex so I can be around someone shady.

   Nearly 7K people die every day in the US alone. If you aren't one of them, thank your God, STFU and keep grinding!

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.