Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a man needs to be taught how to fish, then he is not a real man.

   Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.

   forget senior discounts..Oj can get free stuff just buy saying something like "I'd kill to have some coffee right now"

   it bad that I want to mix cream liquor with my shakeology?

   My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.

   When people say; I was thinking, Most weren't really.

   I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.

   Batman- A billionaire practicing karate on the mentally ill.

   Bieber cancels the rest of the concerts of worldwide tour, maybe she's pregnant

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted Most Likely to Secede.

   Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.

   I was driving yesterday and I saw one of those Pokemon things and ran over it. Or maybe it was a BLM protester. Not sure.

   If the 2nd Amendment only applies to muskets, then government healthcare should only apply to leeches, bloodletting, and lobotomies.

   Feminism is like the Netherlands: it owes its existence to a network of dykes fighting the forces of nature.

   Government should give us all free healthcare, it is our right.. This same government that has had a cure for cancer since the 60's, and still keeps it outlawed.

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls

   If health care is a right then why don't I have the right to refuse it with. That is the different between a Right and a law boys and girls

   Attention Everyone: Hillbilly is really Re-run. Don't be fooled by Hillbilly's lies.

   Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.