Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are we removing all the statues of generals who lost in war...Cuz I got General insurance and I want that removed too

   : Beer drinkers pee more often because the beer doesn't stop to change color.

   I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.

   The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

   : If a dog loses their tail, where do they get another one? At a retail store.

   .Don't mean to brag but I saw the Solar Eclipse today. Went outside, closed my eyes & BAM! Solar Eclipse.....

   Do not use the one $1.00, $20 or $50 or $100 bills! Slave owners are depicted on them! Help stop this hideous display of racism… Send those bills to me and I will see that they are handled properly... message me for my address,

   We need more statues of naked women

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   DEAR GOD, If you want Hillary to be arrested, give us a sign... Like, blot out the sun, anytime in the next five days. Thanks.

   My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".

   everyone is making a big deal about seeing an eclipse...haven't they sat down in a movie theater before?

   : trump the me, me, me, it must always be all about me and only me president.

   I have a nutache

   "Did you just eat my donut?" me: Yes, but there's blame on both sides.

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."

   One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

   If a Cop says, "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence" your answer should always be, "Please don't hit me again officer".

   Here's a thought. Let's get up a petition to have CNN classifed as a Hate Group.

   : Trump "This is the longest improv show ever."