Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drunk Me: "You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day: UPS GUY: "Sir just sign for the package"

   to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...

   Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

   There are two men on opposite sides of the earth. One is on a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral from an 85-year-old woman. Both are thinking the same thing. What? A. Don't look down.

   A woman is not an object, do not treat it like one!!

   Chain letters via FB inbox, is a great way to promote viruses, not awareness for prostate cancer..... Stop Inbox Chain letters!!

   I once dated a girl with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contains real lemons?

   The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law.

   A Patriots fan from Watertown Mass won the 700 million dollar Powerball jackpot. They probably figured out a way to cheat.........

   The eclipse was ok but when are we going to get swarms of locusts?

   Just wait until people figure out that Native Americans would purchase and trade African slaves for use...

   I am tired of being judged by my color by people who complain of being judged by theirs

   As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.

   Polarized glasses for sale. Not used at all. Need money for Powerball!!

   I've come up with I sure-fire money-making product. Glow in the dark sunglasses.

   I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

   Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   This morning I phoned in to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act. It was an automated phone system which said: 'Press 1 for the money / 2 for the show'