Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anybody know which McDonald's that Colin Kaepernick is working at ? I have a friend that wants his Autograph.

   If you say the Flag and National Anthem are no big deal, but you get upset about a statue of a dead guy that died before your parents were born, then you are the ones that have issues

   If a pregnant woman is swimming, does that make her a human submarine?

   I just checked on my Farmville after 3 years. It's now a Wal-mart

   It's October...Which means it's time for people to put up the Christmas decorations they took down in July.

   If you’re a security guard at Samsung does that make you a Guardian if the galaxies ?

   I walked into the library yesterday and asked if they had the reference work.."Calcification Of The Spine"...The librarian said..."I've got a hardback"...I said..."Yeah...that's the one...thank you!!"

   My dog Max has a problem with chasing people on a bike. It finially reached a point yesterday where I had to take his bike away.

   I have a coffee table in my house. It's decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.

   I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.

   Original jokes are like girlfriends. I don't have one.

   When life gives you scurvy, you’re going to wish you kept those lemons.

   "No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious." -George Bernard Shaw

   My awkward silences are just warm up for my awkward conversations.

   Allow me to demonstrate how I feel. *throws agitated cat in your face*

   Ya! Trump says one thing will work when it comes to N. Korea. Bomb the deal out of them. I support that!

   I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.

   I told a girl in the grocery store that she drew her eyebrows on way to high. She just stood there with a surprised look on her face.

   How come they don't show Breaking Bad reruns on the Cooking Channel?

   For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.