Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

   Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas play

   If you bought a fruitcake this past weekend, you have until March 2035 to eat it.

   Don't forget that today is "small business Saturday" so only subscribe to OnlyFans accounts in your town

   Damn, Girl. Are you Black Friday? 'Cause I'm wondering what your deal is.

   Girlfriend asked me if I seen the dog bowl. I said no but that would be very interesting.

   I accidentally took my cats meds this morning... Don't ask meow.

   "Enjoy the warm glow of family and friends this holiday season." ~ crematorium slogan.

   We live in a " paper straw wrapped in plastic" kind of world. It's all stupid

   I just heard a commercial on the radio that said your hair loss has to do with your jeans. I guess that's why I still have all my hair. Because I don't wear jeans.

   The gateway to "make up sex" is arguing. Go start a good argument and then give in for the reward.

   California has the highest rate of both Depression and Adultery. It's a sad state of affairs.

   "I'm leaving Twitter" is the new "I'm moving to Canada."

   Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.

   Today at the Buffet I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

   I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s not a thing you can do about it now.

   ANOTHER DAY has passed by and I still HAVEN’T USED a²+b²=c²

   We know your from Michigan because You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.

   A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?