Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone, get your time in the gym now before the end of the yr.. it gets packed for 2 months from those "New yr, New me" ppl... then they give up after 2 months

   By useing earbuds it gave me alot of practice to un-tangling a string of Christmas lights

   Kennedy put a man on the moon, Obama put a man in the ladies room.

   I've been invited to a neighbour's house later for drinks with nibbles!...they treat that bloody cat like Royalty?

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   I'm only 27 stomach flus away from my goal weight.

   Say what you want about Pee Wee Herman. At least hes one actor that actually kept his hands to himself.

   Rosie O’Donnell Announced she would not be wearing Ivanka Trump clothing brand. Don’t worry Rosie. They don’t come in your size anyways.

   I can't wait for the next Women's March. Off a cliff...

   This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.

   Gonna get two gold front teeth that says, "fried chicken"

   My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

   My wife is always complaining that I'm a slob by leaving clothes laying around. But that's only because she took up all the closet space.

   I sent my family tree into Ancestry.com. They sent me back a packet of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   The next four weeks is going to be incredibly difficult for people whose grandmother's actually have been ran over by reindeer.

   "Santa, have you been working out? It sure shows. By the way, I love the new work flow plan you've established for the elves. Very efficient!" - Rudolph the Brown Nose Reindeer

   Vodka is practically a health drink. That is if you call it potato juice.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad

   I can finally join the crowd that says THE BOOK WAS BETTER now that most movies are about comic book heroes