Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason I am fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality

   If becoming "religious" has made you more judgmental, rude, harsh or a backbiter, you need to check again if you are worshiping God or your Ego

   Doctor - "how is your headache" Patient - "She is fine."

   Medicated, caffeinated, irritated. Just give me my coffee, give me my computer, and leave me the hell alone.

   Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Senator.

   "Baby On Board" sign help us look for a baby in case of an crash and the parents are unconscious.

   Does the "Baby On Board" sign help us decide which car not to hit ?

   Brexiters who’ve spent 18 months saying ‘you lost, get over it’ are still waiting to discover what they’ve won.

   Sometimes you can just tell it's going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife?

   Even looking at LinkedIn's logo can result in an unsolicited email.

   She just needs a shot of vitamin D.

   Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.

   When I look at you, I can hear music.

   I can't believe it's been 5 years since the world ended in 2012

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it

   If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn't let you skip

   If you do the hokey pokey & turn yourself around, does that make you the bottom?

   I just put (3) Bit-coins in the car wash and got a 30K wash. :(

   The population of the USA 323.1 million, CNN Fake News watchers 1.72 million. 99% stand with Trump, unless you’re an idiot.