Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with a hot cup of coffee!

   What ever kind of medicine Nancy Pelosi is taking doesn't seem to be working.

   Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better

   The fatter the chick, the bigger the psycho.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same ?

   "I've lost my contacts" is the new "I've got a new phone."

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   If you say "holiyay" in front of me I'll stab you in the heart.

   panicked thinking -- did I leave the fireplace video running?

   Actually, I would probably do anything else but show up to a gunfight

   More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car

   I like salad best when it is simplified down to the most basic ingredients and smothered in hamburger

   This is 2017 -- we don't say Gingerbread Man, we say "light-skinned spicy gender-neutral person" bread now

   Want more people to leave you alone? Announce bid for political office. Walk like Frankenstein if necessary.

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   When I first met my wife she told me she was bi. I didn't realize until much later she meant polar.

   I think Rudolph's wife was named Olive... Like in "Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names."

   My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   Music is much more enjoyable if you listen with your eyes shut. It is also more enjoyable if the people sitting near you would listen with their mouths shut

   LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.