Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am waiting for the Fitbit upgrade that lets me buy 5000 extra steps

   The fastest way to end a perfect family moment is to try to take a picture of it

   If we didn't have phones and had to go back to writing notes to each other on paper the hardest part would be drawing all the emojis

   How does the Little Mermaid decide which sea creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra?

   By this point in December anytime I type 'amazing' into my phone it changes to Amazon so time to cut back online shopping and your sweater looks Amazon.

   Apparently, my neighbor's nativity scene proves that he believes there was a Minion in Bethlehem

   If aliens landed today they would think that our phones are mind control devices that -- hey I just got another text

   Spice up the holidays with random quotation marks: "Merry" Christmas to your family / Merry Christmas to "your" family / Merry Christmas to your "family"

   It's disturbing to think that somewhere, someone might be listening to a Sane Clown Posse

   Cats always have that look on their face like you just asked if they would help you move next weekend

   2017 was not a total loss as I successfuly avoided listening to Despacito

   When I was a kid the only flavor chapstick we had was medicine.

   I wish someone had a beef with me, maybe with BBQ sauce

   it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?

   You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him freeze it in a large block and then carve a swan out of it.

   I kinda skeptical that it's really The Last Jedi.

   The name "conservative". What are we actually conserving? Food?

   So when do we start "winning" so much that we "get sick of winning"?

   I started carrying around a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "OK, send me your mother.