Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was at a restaurant earlier and when I asked for the check the waitress said "Do you wanna box for your food?" and stunned as I was all I could say was "No ma'am, I'm against violence. Can I just pay with my card?" What is this world coming to?!

   Be right back, I'm gonna go pet that dog. Me, drunk, about to get butted by a goat. 🐐

   I'm going back home to ponder why climate change isn't real because it's cold outside.

   That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.

   "You the bomb" "No, you the bomb" - A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east.

   My cooking is so good even my smoke alarm comments on it.

   What goes up must come down. Except maybe for crawling underwear.

   There are no Walmart stores in Syria, only Targets.

   How many tweets does it take to get to the center of attention?

   Teenagers hanging out sober act like adults drunk.

   How did cavemen meet women? They went clubbing.

   Women are like roads. The more curves they have the more dangerous they are.

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.

   During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.

   That one sounded like a un-oiled door opening slowly.

   Ladies are not officially old, until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of their faces.

   I was told I would understand when I got older. Well, I'm older and still don't understand...

   Lefties eat yellow snow on Winter Solstice.