Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents' house

   I am starting a GoFundMe to buy popcorn tomorrow night at the movies

   Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think about you I play with my weiner!

   I told my wife that before the dogs and I go out, she needs to give us the 3rd Degree. Because at least 3 degrees is warmer than what ever it is currently in the Tundra called the midwestern U.S.

   Whew ... made it through December and managed to stay below Venezuela’s debt level

   Never tie your shoelaces in Paris.

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   It's so cold, I actually saw a gangsta pull his pants up.

   It’s time for a new holiday, where people give gifts they don’t want.

   Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

   Happy new year! The south still lost the civil war.

   If you were born in september. There a good chance your parents started the new year with a bang.

   There was a study done on the effects alcohol has on walking. The results were staggering.

   Life is about friends and family, nothing else matters. it all boils down to how you've impacted those in your circle. The sacrifices you make along the way will be your true legacy . LIVE, LOVE, LEARN.

   Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.

   If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.

   In the New Year, I resolve to be more resolute in making revolutionary resolutions.

   You say Imagine Dragons, I say any other group than that

   Tomorrow is New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don't drink and drive and become the nut

   Caitlyn Jenner claims Bruce fondled her for over 50 years.