Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Common sense is so rare this days, it should almost be classified as a superpower

   World population :7,618,921,693. ­.... Just in case someone starts feeling too important

   Every office should have a Parliament mode, when you don't wanna work, start shouting and go home

   Big moment here: I just finished building that gingerbread house for the holidays.

   OK, it's official. Tide Pods don't taste anywhere near as good as they look. (Don't ask me how I know this...)

   No thanks. 5 hours of energy sounds way too upsetting.

   PLease don't talk to me about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel all week and haven't had time to watch it yet.

   Back in my day we didn't have pods, we had Dry Powder, and we liked it.

   Mom raised me to believe saying "Shut up" was the worst thing you could say to someone, but I knew I could be so much more

   Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE

   If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet ?

   If you think Hawaii's Emergency alert system is bad , you should see their birth certificate system. . .

   Best catch phrase to make fun of: Fake News.

   What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?

   And then there was the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods.

   My shrink keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects. But what does he know? He's a lamp.

   It took years for my wife to get me to put down the toilet seat. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

   Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a 100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?" Now thats what I call being BOLD

   People who get offended on Facebook are the same people that take mini golf seriously

   Difference between House and Home : HOUSE is where you fart in headphones mode HOME is where you fart in Dolby surround mode