Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT -My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

   We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

   I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells. I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

   Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

   The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

   Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

   people who do mutinies should be called mutants

   Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

   Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

   More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

   We don’t hear much about people from the Left being allowed back on Twitter. Why? Because blacklisting has been deployed as a one-way operation against the Right.

   A dog and a cat are fighting about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “We are, because they named the canine tooth after us.” The cat smiles and says, “You are really not going to win this one.”

   Whole Foods announced that a Prius left it’s lights on in the parking lot, and now I have the whole store to myself.

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.