Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing brings more peace, when you stop giving a f*ck.

   When the Lone Ranger needed cancer treatment, it was chemo, sob, eh ?

   My friend Hugh enjoys puns about 80's music. That's what I like about Hugh.

   I think of Frank Zappa Every time I microwave a hotdog

   Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

   What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

   i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

   It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

   Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

   It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

   When the new girl wants to spend the night; “the couch pulls out, but I don’t.”

   Be willing to walk alone. Many who started with you, won’t finish with you.

   If swimming is good exercise, then explain whales.

   I’m not the bigger person, better leave me alone.

   Biden: No more gas stoves!

   The best thing about a woman on the Right, no ding-dong.

   Activate Flying Monkeys!

   Suddenly, California has too much water! Let’s play a game called, simmer-sin-sink-or-swim.

   Who let: da dog out

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.