Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you touch your phone in all the right places a pizza will arrive at your door.

   In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu — and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he’d taught to fire a gun.

   Crap, I bought a non-shtick pan. Now it does not like my jokes.

   I'm a good person. That's why I don't talk to many people. Too good for them.

   You need XX chromosomes to be a female of any species. Miss Spain has XY chromosomes which makes him a male. No surgery or cosmetics can change that fact.

   So what are we being offended by today? Sorry I missed the morning briefing.

   I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.

   I’m going to write a modern Christmas song called “baby is cold outside” it’s the story of a woman arguing with her husband about the thermostat

   Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

   Growing up, all I wanted was Girls Gone Wild. As an adult, I ended up with Bills Gone Wild

   My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????

   Don’t tell me I can do anything I set my mind to. You don’t know me.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.

   Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.

   In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.

   Scientists need to put cancer aside and find a cure for country music first.

   In the future Frosty the puddle, will take the place of Frosty the snowman,