Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gee, I wonder what idiot hired a guy who had to be “terminated in 11 days from a position he was totally in capable of handling.” What kind of moron gives people government jobs that they have no skill set to handle?

   WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   I Saw A White Boy In Walmart Looking Mad ....So I Left

   Not Smoking anymore. I Put My Food In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number

   If you were surprised by jeffrey Epstein's suicide, just imagine how surprised he was!

   Super Mario made me go looking for gold coins by smashing bricks with my head.

   "Area 15? I'm in!!" R Kelly, probably.

   Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

   Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

   : Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

   Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

   Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

   You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday...and you’re 32.

   HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

   What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best

   n't it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

   Her: I want you to leave me breathless Me: *hides her inhaler

   My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".

   Wanna know what living in Florida is like? Take a hot shower. Don't dry off. Put on all your clothes