Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   totally missing his Kindergarten days..... I had a nap in the middle of the day and a snack when I woke up just for being a good boy while sleeping. At work I get a written warning.

   puts the "fun" in dysfunctional

   wants you to tell your feet to stop running you through my mind

   says even though my cherries gone, I still have the box it came in! :)

   wondering, if a turtle had no shell, would it be homeless or naked?

   ..hates getting junk mail on how to enlarge my penis,especially since i'm a girl. But I have,however, forwarded them to my boss. Maybe that will cure the little pr*ck.

   "If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"

   50 ways to leave your lover. Does one of them involve a chainsaw, garbage bag and an obscure cave in the mountains? Ok 51 ways!

   bringing sexy back. after a long court battle I got full custody

   looking for nudist beaches in Google Earth

   thinks it's wrong to tease a midget with learning difficulties.... It's not big and it's not clever

   27 Championships. Too bad the Yankees can't also buy the respect of players, owners, and fans of MLB.

   if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such

   If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement

   ..just quit her job washing cats. I hated it! I could never get the fur off my tongue.

   100% of all divorces are caused by marriage.

   congrats to the NY Steinbrenners for buying....I mean winning the World Series!! Baseball is no longer America's Sport, the NFL is. Learn from them and get a salary cap!

   in a relationship with Jack Daniels and his half brother Jack Hoff ♥ (its complicated)

   having humpty dumpty for breakfast

   wonders why everyone on that baseball team is wearing a Jay-Z cap?