Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just came back to update the status.. now going back to bed.. bye

   's current releationship status: A single woman in a complicated relationship,with a married man,who is in an open relationship with a widow, who is engaged to my cousin.

   I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

   Remember food does not replace sex!! Unless of course its Ho Ho's and Ding Dongs :)

   Sex is for two things: making babies and revenge.

   no terrorist, but he has blown up his underwear a time or two.

   those who caught speaking in spanish will be paid in pesos...

   hopes that the recent actions of Muhamed-Bob Flare Pants doesn't necessitate Homeland Security from implementing undergarment removal at airport security checkpoints

   Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

   People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

   Verizon called me complaining that my map was in their way.

   "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."

   "I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."

   money was tight this year, so he bought the kids batteries that said "games not included."

   Wanted to play a game called Everybody Hates X, but realized that nobody would play because everybody hates X

   Carpe Edam - Sieze the Cheese

   Dear God, This year, please send clothes for all those poor women on Uncle Bob's computer. Amen

   wondering if we are supposed to call them "man made disasterists" since it's not terrorism anymore.

   doing research to come up with a vaccine for stupidity. Please donate accordingly.

   always snickers when people say their computer went down on them.