Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im not conceited,im just simply aware if how sexy I am!!

   if love is blind,how does it happen at 1st sight???

   helping people find Jesus, one funeral at a time...

   you can sleep with a blonde,you can sleep with a brunette, but you won't get any sleep with a redhead. ;)

   Gray hair is God's Graffiti.... Then the Big Guy's been scribbling all over my melon like a newbie gang initiate.

   's dad's bumper sticker says: I'm spending my kids inheritance...on her bail.

   never give up...often success is just a step away!

   misses the way things were and is running out of ideas on how to get it back

   Welcome back, Sunday....it's nice to see you. Stay a while...don't be in such a rush to leave like your friends Friday and Saturday!

   Correction: If your boyfriend answers your text while playing mw2, he doesn't love you. He just died.

   - I would quit drinking, but my father didn't raiser a quiter.

   Am I the only one that when I see a "Siemens" commercial I giggle?

   If Facebook is running slower than my brain before breakfast, they should probably fix the problem asap.

   just realized you can re-arrange the letters in Federal Stimulus to spell "Failed Result Sum."

   Some things are best kept between you and your neighbours. Like a fence.

   Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed frequently and for the same reason.

   wants to be 9' tall and blue so I can plug my hair into my orange dragon thing and fly to the floating mountains. Am I on drugs? No, but someone ought to test James Cameron!

   thankful for friends whom willingly travel to the ends of the earth to search for the plot that he/she managed to lose; and yet be gracious enough not to cast judgement on its condition when they find it.

   My dad called Justin Bieber a tool. My life is complete.

   Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.