Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

   I bought a new stick of deodorant last night. The instructions said to remove the cap and push up bottom. I may be walking funny now, but my farts make the room smell baby powder fresh.

   it considered sexual assault if a midget walks up to you and says you hair smells nice?

   Technically, all the money you ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

   Daylight Saving Time arrives this Sunday morning. You Know what? I give it 8 months.

   I don’t like to brag, but I only buy the organic free-range Cadbury® Eggs.

   Fun fact about me. I, too, was once a train wreck in Ohio.

   3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics 2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

   you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

   Powdered Donuts

   Starbucks at 8am closely resembles the waiting room at a methadone clinic.

   Are we going to address how awful Ja Morant's rap game is?

   These kids today have no idea how to enjoy a book like we did in the good old days. (We watched the movie on a VCR the night before the exam).

   Losing weight is a great idea except for two things. The eat right and exercise part.

   Tip: There should be an observation deck at Walmart

   Back in my day we had so much toilet paper and eggs that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies.

   So if the Eagles play a concert at the stadium in Philadelphia, how do people know if they're going to a concert or a football game?

   Marriage tip: When your wife is getting angry at you, just put your finger on her lips and say, "shhhhh". She will then consider the consequences of her actions, and calm down. And then she'll go make you a sandwich.

   What's on a wife's mind when lecturing her husband: whatever she's lecturing her husband about. What's on a husband's mind when his wife is lecturing him: the scores of the ballgame.

   Unless you’re looking for self-inflicted emotional and/or physical impairment, you should perhaps not come to me seeking relationship advice or instructions on how to do a cartwheel.