Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.

   I think, therefore I am overqualified.

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

   added my friend Jamal as a neighbour on Farmville yesterday.I logged on this morning to find that all my chickens had been stolen and he'd opened up a KFC

   entering the doors of a chinease buffet and a little kid said, "daddy, I think I just heard a dog bark."

   Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

   If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   "If you're good at something, never do it for free" ~ The Joker (The Dark Knight)

   hates it when you go down to get a midnight snack and get excited to find some treasure in the fridge, only to have your hopes and dreams dashed by the treasure being so far past it's expiration date that only Ashton Kutcher would be interested...

   Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

   God was the greatest inventor of all time. He took a rib from Adam and made a loudspeaker

   Random thought of the day: If someone threw a rock and knocked you off your donkey, would you be stoned off your ass?

   Two wrongs don't make a right, but two rights make a hate group.

   marriage is a natural defense mechanism designed to help us overcome our fear of death.

   touche volcano insurance salesman touche

   Where to find free beer and naked women. What? Crap! This isnt Google!

   A braille porn magazine has been launched ths week - complete with explicit raised text and pictures. At least this is one time where looking at porn won't make you go blind.

   there anybody else alive out there!?.. is that a No? If no one answers then I'm just gonna assume that's a "No" and that I can walk the street to a local gas station at 2:00 AM completley naked..."