Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   no keys were harmed in the making of this status quote.

   friends don't let friends drink with Ben Roethlisberger.

   saw the geico gecko cutting the allstate agent's brake lines, talk about cutting out the middle man.

   Evidently that good Samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   Eyjafjallajoekull Volcano. You must be eyjafjallajoking!

   They say there's a sucker born every minute but I'd be more curious to find out at what rate swallowers are born.

   Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I'm asking for only one.

   420 is the day we celebrate marijuana. 421 is the day employers celebrate random drug testing.

   Why do you have to put "your two cents in..." but its only "a penny for your thoughts"? Where is that extra penny going to???

   became a fan of I wish I had never googled lemonparty.org

   Has not been hitting a lot of homeruns here lately but is swinging a big bat..

   If we're not supposed to have late night snacks.. why is there a light in the fridge?

   I think the best thing about the Internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort.

   Dear birds: Our patio is NOT your personal poop depository! Please use the cars with Obama bumper stickers instead. Thank you. -Management-

   thinks that some drug manufacturer's should rethingk their marketing. "We can cure your asthma but this product may cause asthma related death." Really? I think I will live with the asthma...

   ugh! my new facebook homepage looks like a mug shot photo album now!

   It's 420. I don't even smoke weed...That's my credit score...

   now that the last wish from Icelands deceased economy was: Spread the ash out over Europe.

   I was riding a donkey today when somone threw a rock that knocked me off. I was stoned off my ass.

   handing out "damns" because so many people say I give them.