Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If girls just wanna have fun, then why do they get upset when you don't want a relationship afterwards?

   If your password is "password" then that is not the only thing I know about you.

   I will kill you, alarm clock. And your whole family and anyone you've ever cared about.

   Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.

   My grandmother just asked me why I don't have any photos on Facebook. Well, at least I know my privacy settings are working properly.

   The funny thing is, you can't tell if I'm naked...

   I can finally sympathize with women after I had to make a CVS trip at 2 am because my XBOX controller ran out of batteries.

   Wanna have some fun? Ask a really stoned person to say the word indubitably.

   You know you're a redneck when you go to Walmart and take pictures of yourself.

   A man sitting in church writes a note to his wife: "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"...She writes back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   When I start to trip and fall, I just turn it into a dance. "Sorry, can't control the funk."

   No, really, I can't afford to be hungover tomorrow. I mean, unless you're buying, of course.

   It saddens me to think there are people in the world who don't pretend to paddle a canoe while on the moving walkways in airports.

   Won't go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for "spider life span" reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.

   I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

   Stumbled into bed late last night. "You're drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."

   Doing my weekly Anti-virus scan, my laptop is a slut.

   Constipation is like teenage love: can't sleep, can't eat, and it hurts when it leaves you.

   There is nothing worse in the World than sitting on the toilet and getting splash back.

   I love sleep so much that its the first thing I think about when I wake up....